If They Say This, Ask This (And If They Do Not Say It, Ask Anyway)

In short: When you hear no, wait or sign here, ask for the reasons and the next step in writing. Each card pairs what you might hear with what to ask and the federal rule that lets you ask.

Nobody hands you a list of your rights. You find out by asking. So here is the short version, in plain words: what you might hear, what to ask back, and the federal rule that gives you permission to ask. You do not need all of it today. Pick one card.

Two Kinds of No: Stretched Thin, or Cutting Corners

Most people across the table are doing a hard job with limited time and limited help. Some are at their limit. A few cut corners. You usually cannot tell which one you are talking to at first, and you do not have to figure it out. The same calm questions work either way. This is not you against them. It is you and them and whatever support actually exists.

Stretched thin sounds like: "We do not have anyone for that right now." They tell you what they cannot do and why, and they are willing to answer "What is possible, and by when?" Be kind, work with them, and get the answer in writing along with the date.
Cutting corners sounds like: vague answers, nothing in writing, no explanations, and a deadline that moves every time you ask. Stay polite, put your request in writing, ask for the reason in writing, and follow the steps in the disagree-in-writing guide.

Either way, the goal is the same: the actual support your child gets, and a written record of what was promised.

At School

If you hear "Let's wait and see."

Ask "Could you put your reasons in writing? I would also like to request the evaluation in writing."

Why you can: when a school refuses to act on an evaluation, it has to tell you in writing what it refused and why (34 CFR 300.503).

If you hear "Your child's grades are fine, so there is no IEP."

Ask "What did the evaluation look at? Can I see the results and how you decided?"

Why you can: the school has to explain its decision in writing (34 CFR 300.503), and if you disagree with the school's evaluation you can ask for an independent one at public expense (34 CFR 300.502).

If you hear "Sign here and we will get started."

Ask "May I take a copy home and read it first?"

Why you can: the school has to give you a copy of the IEP at no cost (34 CFR 300.322). Roy's School Years page has a script for saying you need time to review it.

If you hear "We will give him some time with the specialist."

Ask "How many minutes, how often, who provides it, and how will we measure progress?"

Why you can: a plan with no numbers is hard to check. Roy's School Years page explains what the IEP must spell out (34 CFR 300.320).

If you hear "We can't do that here."

Ask "Could you put that in writing and tell me why?"

Why you can: a refusal comes with a written explanation (34 CFR 300.503).

If you hear "He is too disruptive for this classroom."

Ask "What supports have you tried? Can the team look at positive behavior supports?"

Why you can: when a child's behavior gets in the way of learning, the team must consider positive behavioral interventions and supports (34 CFR 300.324).

If you hear "He has been sent home again."

Ask "How many days is that so far this year, and what happens after ten?"

Why you can: school staff can remove a child with a disability for up to 10 consecutive school days, and extra protections apply beyond that (34 CFR 300.530). Roy's School Years page covers it.

If you hear Nobody has explained your rights.

Ask "May I have a copy of the procedural safeguards notice?"

Why you can: the school has to give you a copy once a school year, when your child is first referred or you ask for an evaluation, and any time you ask (34 CFR 300.504).

In Early Intervention (Birth to Three)

If you hear "He is too young to diagnose."

Ask "Early Intervention does not need a diagnosis. How do I ask for an evaluation?"

Why you can: anyone can refer a child, including you, and you do not need a diagnosis first. Roy's Birth to Three page explains how.

If you hear "He turns three soon."

Ask "Who is coordinating the move to the school district, and when is the transition meeting?"

Why you can: at least 90 days before the third birthday, the early intervention program has to notify the school district that a child who may be eligible is about to age out (34 CFR 303.209).

Money, Medicaid and Insurance

If you hear "You make too much for SSI."

Ask "Is there an option that counts only my child's income?"

Why you can: some states offer the TEFRA / Katie Beckett option for Medicaid, and parent income stops counting for SSI at 18 (SSI Deeming).

If you hear "There is a waiting list."

Ask "Please put my child on the list today and send me the date in writing."

Why you can: waits can be long, and Roy's Paying for It page says to get on the list right away, even if you do not need services yet.

If you hear "Medicaid denied it."

Ask "Please send me the denial in writing with the reason and how to ask for a hearing. I would like to request a fair hearing."

Why you can: you can ask for a fair hearing, and the state has to give you a reasonable time to ask, up to 90 days from the date the notice was mailed (42 CFR 431.221).

If you hear "That is not medically necessary."

Ask "Please send me the specific reason in writing, the part of the plan it is based on, and any guideline you used. How do I appeal?"

Why you can: for most employer health plans, a denial has to state the specific reasons and the plan provisions, and name any internal guideline relied on, and you have at least 180 days to appeal (29 CFR 2560.503-1).

At the Doctor

If you hear "Let us start this treatment."

Ask "What is it for? What are the other choices? What are the risks? What happens if we wait?"

Why you can: it is your child, and you decide with the doctor. The Be in Charge page has more. This is not medical advice; your child's doctor is the person to answer.

When Nobody Says Anything

Sometimes the trouble is what nobody tells you. These are worth asking even if nobody brings them up.

Nobody mentioned services: "What programs might my child qualify for, and who do I call to start?"
Nobody mentioned a waiting list: "Is there a waiting list for home and community based services, and how do I get on it?"
Nobody mentioned an appeal: "What are my options if I disagree?"
Nobody explained something: "Could you explain that in plain words and send it to me in writing?"

A Way to Say It

Calm, polite and specific works best. "Thank you. I want to understand this before I agree. Could you walk me through it and send it to me in writing?" If the answer is still no, the disagree-in-writing guide shows what comes next.

Sources: www.ecfr.gov, www.ecfr.gov, www.ecfr.gov.

Last checked: October 2026. Every rule on this page was checked against the text of 34 CFR 300.320, 300.322, 300.324, 300.502, 300.503, 300.504, 300.530 and 303.209, 42 CFR 431.221 and 29 CFR 2560.503-1 at ecfr.gov. This is not legal advice; see the full disclaimer.