Be in Charge: Understand It Before You Say Yes

If You Are Overwhelmed, You Are Not Failing

Every day can be hard. There is paperwork, appointments, waiting rooms, and never enough time to breathe. Plenty of loving parents take a shortcut now and then because there is only so much energy in one person. That is not a failure. Nobody is keeping score.

You do not have to do all of this today. Pick the smallest thing: one question, one email, one folder. Then rest.

The Rule

Professionals bring their training. You bring your child. Nobody knows your child the way you do, and nobody else will live with the result. Being in charge does not mean fighting everyone or saying no to everything. It means you understand what is being proposed, why, and what the other choices are, before you agree to it. This applies at school and it applies at the doctor.

Questions Worth Asking Before You Say Yes

• What is this for, in plain words?
• What are the other choices?
• What are the risks, and what does it cost?
• What happens if we wait, or say no?
• How will we know it is working, and when do we check?
• Can I have that in writing?

If you only have the energy for one, ask the last one: "Can I have that in writing?" You buy yourself time to think and you get something to look at later when your head is clearer.

Bring these questions to school meetings and doctor visits. For anything medical, your child's doctor is the person to answer them. This page is not medical advice.

At School: Two Separate Yeses

The school must get your permission before it does an initial evaluation. Here is the thing nobody always says clearly: permission for the evaluation is not the same as permission for services. Those are two separate decisions, and you get to make each one on its own.

When the school proposes or refuses to change your child's evaluation, services, or placement, it has to tell you in writing what it plans to do and explain why. Read it. Ask about anything unclear. Roy's Wisdom page has a lesson about nodding along without asking for details. Ask for the numbers: how many minutes, how often, who delivers it, how you measure progress.

Keep Your Own Records

School records. You have the right to look at and get a copy of your child's education records. The school has to respond within a reasonable time, and not more than 45 days after you ask. It also has to explain and interpret the records if you ask.

Medical records. Under federal privacy rules, you have the right to look at and get a copy of your child's health information. The provider has to act within 30 days. If you have the authority to make health care decisions for your child (which is normal for parents of minors), the rules generally treat you as your child's representative. There are exceptions and state laws vary, so ask the office how they handle requests.

A one-page summary of your child's conditions, medicines, doctors and insurance saves you from telling the story over and over. Roy's Wisdom page has a lesson on keeping it current and why it matters.

If You Do Not Agree

You are allowed to disagree. Say that you do, say why, and ask for their response in writing. The disagree-in-writing guide shows what comes next, at school, with Early Intervention, and with Medicaid.

And you do not have to do it alone. Every state has a Parent Training and Information Center that helps families for free. Find yours here.

A Calm Way to Say It

"Thank you. I want to understand this before I agree to it. Could you walk me through it and send it to me in writing?"

That is firm, polite, and hard to argue with.

If something is not urgent, "I would like some time to think about this" is a perfectly good sentence to say out loud.